By Robert Gould
Inspired by the superlative journalism of Samantha Brick.
A waifish thing named Madeline
regarded her imported wine
with joy that was too strong to shift –
it surely was the perfect gift!
But if the host should not like red
all fears of woe were put to bed
by John who acted in advance,
procuring chocolates from France.
Within the porch they rang the bell,
sharing smiles that could only swell.
The pair was with excitement thick
to see their friend Samantha Brick.
When greeted with her grace and mirth
you must admire her modest girth.
A hourglass with golden locks
towards which the male gaze still flocks.
With candles lit and table set,
each need of every guest was met.
But all John and his wife could think
was of a stronger kind of drink…
He cleared his throat to show his host
the wine he was so proud to boast.
Samantha buckled at the knees
and screamed: “Think of the calories!”
Another guest became irate.
“I can’t afford to put on weight!
My wife says if I’m less than trim
She shall divorce me on a whim!”
As this man became unstable,
anger stirred around the table.
Who knew that wine could cause such rage?
Was this all part of middle age?
Madeline blushed at Sam’s sharp glance,
hiding the chocolates from France.
Her host enquired: “What’s on your lap?”
She saw, then screamed: “What is this crap?”
“To be fat is to fail at life!
I’d rather make love to a knife!
Leave my home, you disgusting apes.
You forfeit your dessert of grapes.”
The pair were stirred and quickly left.
Of their three grapes they were bereft.
Conversation turned to diet tips.
Samantha chewed on their grape pips.